Confessions of a Loveaholic...

Last post that I wrote of my adventures in love was back in 2011. A lot has changed since then... a whole lot.  Although I have been engaged 5 times, I never got married.  I had a beautiful baby boy---he is 7 now.  I have worked hard to live in my truth and started to swim in the lady pond and I love it there. I now identify as "queer" and I am becoming increasing interested in polyamory.  Queer is a word that clarifies that I’m not straight and ties me to the larger queer community, but it doesn’t categorize me as gay. The vagueness of the term is intentional— queer is an identity created for anyone outside of the heterosexual norm and meant to be inclusive and create a sense of acceptance. But what, exactly, does it mean to be queer? Could  you  be queer? To clarify what the term means,  Cosmo  spoke with  Kelly Wise, PhD ,  a queer sex therapist, about how queer evolved from a gay slur to an encompassing—and even  welco...

I guess its like a bad habit. Like smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. you sneak and try it. you like how it feels. you like what it does to you. you get hooked. you are willing to risk everything to do it again (standing in the cold, no sleep, etc) you then try to find a way to hide this "craving" from family and friends. everyone advises you against it. you then find ways to justify what you know will at the end of the day hurt you badly and eventually kill you. Love much like drugs, the worst it will hurt the more we want...all in hopes to get that "first high" feeling.... AGAIN...it will never be as good as your "first love" but it could be better if you nuture it will bud into a love you WANT and NEED     According to livescience.com, among the reasons for addiction: •Innate human defiance. •Need for social acceptance. •Inability to truly understand the nature of risk. •Individualistic view of the world and the abili...

And in my courage – this is what I found wrapped in a box, tied with a bow: I learned to find my voice again. I learned to love myself. I learned to appreciate, honor and respect my body. I learned that other people’s opinion of me is none of my business. I learned that I deserve everything the world has to offer. I learned that I have much to offer the world. I learned how to love from my soul. I remembered how to laugh – at myself. I remembered how to love without condition. I remembered how to dance like no one was watching. As my year began, my tank was on E.  E did not stand for ‘enough’ it stood for EMPTY.  I was empty; I was hollow.  I walked through my life as a mere shell of a human being. Today – I am a HUMAN coming into my own BEING. I am the perfect imperfection. I am strong. I am love. I am whole. I am unafraid.

Tonight, God gave me the biggest (and the hardest) commandment - "Michelle, obey Me." And with this obedience came the pre-requisite of trust. My conversations with Him are a pattern of apologies and assurances and then pleas. He keeps on saying how sorry He is for letting me go through this NOW. And I kept on telling Him not to be too harsh on me. Over and over. I can feel his mercy for the pain the world has inflicted on me. But at the same time,  He knows I need to experience this.  It is as if He has foreseen this, but it was I who brought this to my self. He placed enough sign boards along the way saying I should follow the U-turn back to His plans. Hard-headed, I said, "Dont worry Father. This is only a detour. You'll see. I'll get what I want. You'll get what You want from me. It's a win-win! See?" It was too late to turn around this time.  I have fallen off a cliff. And I didnt let go. I kept on holding on to every solid ground my fi...

She whispers to him… I want to be so close you can feel me breathe I want to keep looking at you while the anticipation builds I want to not be able to stand it anymore I want to have to you ….no matter where we are I want to you to press em against a wall and pull my panties aside I want to hear you inhale with that little ‘oh’ sound you make I want our tongues to collide I want to taste you I want you...then I wake up and reality hits...you aren't mine and I am not yours.... it was all dream... Dreams are a sweet escape from the reality we face daily...  In dreams we are set free to be whomever we can conjure up...  

In and Out of Time by Maya Angelou The sun has come The mists have gone We see in the distance our long way home I was always yours to have You were always mine We have loved each other in and out of time When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun And the first tree struggled up from the forest floor I have always loved you more You freed your braids, gave your hair to the breeze It hung like a hive of honey bees I reached in the mass for the sweet honeycomb there God, how I loved your hair You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance Lost, injured, hurt by chance I screamed to the heavens Loudly screamed Trying to change our nightmares into dreams The sun has come The mists have gone We see in the distance our long home I was always yours to have You were always mine We loved each other in and out, in and out, in and out of time