Learning to listen.....

Tonight, God gave me the biggest (and the hardest) commandment -"Michelle, obey Me." And with this obedience came the pre-requisite of trust.
My conversations with Him are a pattern of apologies and assurances and then pleas.

He keeps on saying how sorry He is for letting me go through this NOW. And I kept on telling Him not to be too harsh on me. Over and over.

I can feel his mercy for the pain the world has inflicted on me. But at the same time, He knows I need to experience this. It is as if He has foreseen this, but it was I who brought this to my self. He placed enough sign boards along the way saying I should follow the U-turn back to His plans. Hard-headed, I said,

"Dont worry Father. This is only a detour. You'll see. I'll get what I want. You'll get what You want from me. It's a win-win! See?"

It was too late to turn around this time. I have fallen off a cliff. And I didnt let go. I kept on holding on to every solid ground my fingers could grasp.

"Let go," He commanded.

"Anything but this Lord," I begged. I hated the thought of what awaited me if I let go.

"Let go," He insisted. And it echoed. Day and night. His voice conquered every beat and breath of my being.
Oh, alright. My fingers gave up one by one. Crap. Here goes nothing. I took a deep breath and freed myself to uncertainty.

Tonight, I jumped off a cliff and embraced a free fall. I still have doubts. I still feel pain. He didn't promise a dose of morphine after all. With the wind's strength going against my hair, I am confident that as the Lord is falling with me at the moment, He is preparing someone who will catch me right before I touch the ground. A perfect landing afterall.

I pictured it until He said,

"No Michelle. We are doing this My way. Open your eyes."

I was not falling. I was flying.