Have you ever broken up with someone and after it was all said and done, you had ten more things you wish you would have said but never did? Allow me. I have gone through every man I have ever had any kind of relationship with and included him in the Ultimate Dear John letter.
Dear John,
After serious contemplation, I have decided that continuing this relationship with you is really not in my best interest. No, I am not concerned with what might be best for you because frankly, you never gave a shit if draining me financially was what was best for me. I also don’t think you were too concerned about my age until you thought that you could get arrested for fucking me – maybe you should have thought about that before you, as a 24 year old, agreed to go to a 17 year old’s prom. You didn’t seem to show too much concern when your cunt-ass ex-girlfriend egg’d my house – why would I care if I’m a sophomore dumping a senior?
Can you really blame me for getting tired of you collecting action figures and comic books? I think maybe the breaking point was when I bought you the new and improved Bat Cave. I realize, also, that sexual encounters involving a strap-on dildo for you requires a bit of preparation, but planning our sex sessions down to a T, determining when each position would be attempted, does get old after a few years. It also would have been nice if you could have kept the leash for the dog and let me live my own life a little bit. Rather than laying claim to my pussy, perhaps you could have sucked it up as a man and actually solidified a true relationship with me rather than the farce of one that we had during the course of our dating history. Focusing more energy on making your promises a reality rather than stringing me along would have been great.
While I appreciate the economics of living at home with your family rather than getting your own place, I can’t help but wonder how nice it would have been to have NOT had your younger sister, older sister and grandmother each walk in on us fucking at some point during our relationship. It’s sad, for some reason, that we got so used to it that you didn’t even get out of me when someone walked in – it was like we just hit the pause button and resumed as soon as they closed the door. Honestly, looking back, I’ve never had so many people walk in on us having sex as I have while I was with you, because we also got walked in on by my mother, my father and I think a cop (if that was you). What the fuck??
Remember how our Saturdays, during football season, had to start with you playing that day’s game on the PlayStation and then the outcome of that (fake) game dictated your mood for the rest of the day until the real game came on, and then the tone for the rest of our weekend was determined by the outcome of the real game? That got to be really fucking annoying. Remember how you’d fight with me and throw my shit out of the house, onto the front porch, or perhaps to all four corners of the neighborhood? I never appreciated that.
In fact, I pretty much never appreciated you destroying my property, denting my car, denting me, hurting my cat or acting like a complete and total jackass when you were drunk, disrespecting my family or cheating on me – a lot. I really didn’t like when you’d go out with me, fuck me, tell me how much you needed me and then turn around and go out with your girlfriend, either. For that matter, not even having the balls to tell me you started dating the ugly duckling addicted to marshmallow peeps was pretty fucking lame too. It really got on my nerves that you chew like a girl and your house is decorated like a 70's porn scene and when I came over to spend the night, there was a mountain of dirty dishes in your sink and the contents of your refrigerator scared me.. Water, Verdi and Friday's Barcardi Pina Colada Mixer.
It also sorta scared me, and amazed me, that you masturbated one night and texted to tell me that you fucked yourself in the ass with a dildo at the same time…I’m all for prostate stimulation but Jesus – that’s a lot for one man to do to himself. I have a lot of fun with you, but the fact that you seem to only text once every two weeks gets pretty annoying. And in this day and age, where everyone, including my 68 year old father is on Facebook, and you are too, and yet you can’t add me as a friend – well, sorry, but that’s horseshit. Because all that tells me, that while I’m good enough to fuck, I’m not quite good enough to make it public that you’re interested in me. And if you do add me to Facebook, to post a comment that is absolutely ludicrous and inapplicable to the topic at hand, surrounding a conversation I’m having with one of my best friend’s husbands and my 20 year old cousin – well, that just tells me you’re an over-zealous prick who will NEVER meet my family.
And you know that dick picture you sent me? Next time, work on the angle because sending a dick pic where your dick looks like a small pickle instead of a cucumber really doesn’t send me over the edge…ok, it makes me giggle. You know how you always told me to be patient, that you needed time, things just weren’t where you wanted them so we could be happy together, that there was too much going on for us to get serious, that if you had the choice, you’d be with me in a heart beat? Guess what? Sometimes you have to suck it up, remember you have a set of balls and just go after the one thing that makes you happy. You don’t hurt it, you don’t hide it, you embrace it and run with it because it just might be the one thing that brings your whole life together. You couldn’t do that, and I got tired of waiting.
So good luck, keep the psycho bullshit in your own corner, don’t blame me for keeping a cheesy ring to remind myself to never fall for another bullshit, crazy, loser, likes to listen to himself talk but can’t really listen to what anyone else has to say, insanely jealous, abusive, full of excuses, lying, cheating, son of a bitch.
Sincerely,
ME the one that is TOTALLY over YOU
*smooches*
Dear John,
After serious contemplation, I have decided that continuing this relationship with you is really not in my best interest. No, I am not concerned with what might be best for you because frankly, you never gave a shit if draining me financially was what was best for me. I also don’t think you were too concerned about my age until you thought that you could get arrested for fucking me – maybe you should have thought about that before you, as a 24 year old, agreed to go to a 17 year old’s prom. You didn’t seem to show too much concern when your cunt-ass ex-girlfriend egg’d my house – why would I care if I’m a sophomore dumping a senior?
Can you really blame me for getting tired of you collecting action figures and comic books? I think maybe the breaking point was when I bought you the new and improved Bat Cave. I realize, also, that sexual encounters involving a strap-on dildo for you requires a bit of preparation, but planning our sex sessions down to a T, determining when each position would be attempted, does get old after a few years. It also would have been nice if you could have kept the leash for the dog and let me live my own life a little bit. Rather than laying claim to my pussy, perhaps you could have sucked it up as a man and actually solidified a true relationship with me rather than the farce of one that we had during the course of our dating history. Focusing more energy on making your promises a reality rather than stringing me along would have been great.
While I appreciate the economics of living at home with your family rather than getting your own place, I can’t help but wonder how nice it would have been to have NOT had your younger sister, older sister and grandmother each walk in on us fucking at some point during our relationship. It’s sad, for some reason, that we got so used to it that you didn’t even get out of me when someone walked in – it was like we just hit the pause button and resumed as soon as they closed the door. Honestly, looking back, I’ve never had so many people walk in on us having sex as I have while I was with you, because we also got walked in on by my mother, my father and I think a cop (if that was you). What the fuck??
Remember how our Saturdays, during football season, had to start with you playing that day’s game on the PlayStation and then the outcome of that (fake) game dictated your mood for the rest of the day until the real game came on, and then the tone for the rest of our weekend was determined by the outcome of the real game? That got to be really fucking annoying. Remember how you’d fight with me and throw my shit out of the house, onto the front porch, or perhaps to all four corners of the neighborhood? I never appreciated that.
In fact, I pretty much never appreciated you destroying my property, denting my car, denting me, hurting my cat or acting like a complete and total jackass when you were drunk, disrespecting my family or cheating on me – a lot. I really didn’t like when you’d go out with me, fuck me, tell me how much you needed me and then turn around and go out with your girlfriend, either. For that matter, not even having the balls to tell me you started dating the ugly duckling addicted to marshmallow peeps was pretty fucking lame too. It really got on my nerves that you chew like a girl and your house is decorated like a 70's porn scene and when I came over to spend the night, there was a mountain of dirty dishes in your sink and the contents of your refrigerator scared me.. Water, Verdi and Friday's Barcardi Pina Colada Mixer.
It also sorta scared me, and amazed me, that you masturbated one night and texted to tell me that you fucked yourself in the ass with a dildo at the same time…I’m all for prostate stimulation but Jesus – that’s a lot for one man to do to himself. I have a lot of fun with you, but the fact that you seem to only text once every two weeks gets pretty annoying. And in this day and age, where everyone, including my 68 year old father is on Facebook, and you are too, and yet you can’t add me as a friend – well, sorry, but that’s horseshit. Because all that tells me, that while I’m good enough to fuck, I’m not quite good enough to make it public that you’re interested in me. And if you do add me to Facebook, to post a comment that is absolutely ludicrous and inapplicable to the topic at hand, surrounding a conversation I’m having with one of my best friend’s husbands and my 20 year old cousin – well, that just tells me you’re an over-zealous prick who will NEVER meet my family.
And you know that dick picture you sent me? Next time, work on the angle because sending a dick pic where your dick looks like a small pickle instead of a cucumber really doesn’t send me over the edge…ok, it makes me giggle. You know how you always told me to be patient, that you needed time, things just weren’t where you wanted them so we could be happy together, that there was too much going on for us to get serious, that if you had the choice, you’d be with me in a heart beat? Guess what? Sometimes you have to suck it up, remember you have a set of balls and just go after the one thing that makes you happy. You don’t hurt it, you don’t hide it, you embrace it and run with it because it just might be the one thing that brings your whole life together. You couldn’t do that, and I got tired of waiting.
So good luck, keep the psycho bullshit in your own corner, don’t blame me for keeping a cheesy ring to remind myself to never fall for another bullshit, crazy, loser, likes to listen to himself talk but can’t really listen to what anyone else has to say, insanely jealous, abusive, full of excuses, lying, cheating, son of a bitch.
Sincerely,
ME the one that is TOTALLY over YOU
*smooches*
Michelle.....u da u da best!!!!!!! You did your thing with this one!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is fact in all relationships, the drive for sexual intercourse is real, intense and pleasurable,but this extremely wonderful,pure sympathetic response is heightened only in two episodes within one type of relationship.
ReplyDelete