On this journey of love, we have done the dead-end sexual conquests, the songs that are on my "Soundtrack of Sad" and here I am at 1:10am still trying to figure out why my heart has remained empty although my call log and bed hasn't. It's as though I can not get "unstuck" from my past and have become to scared to move beyond the nonsense. I listen to the words of J. Hudson (We Goin' Fight), Ashanti (Movies) and Beyonce (Scared of Lonely) and I wonder am I fighting for something that is not worth holding on to because I am scared to be alone. Scared of knowing that my heart's best interest does not lie with the man that snores next to me, yet am I more afraid of dating myself and most of all of moving on.
I turn over and I look at him in his peaceful slumber and I wonder:
Why you can't love me enough not to cheat?
Why ain't my heart strong enough not to leave?
Why do I stay knowing all that you do?
Why am I so much in love with you?
He plays games, because he can. I ALLOW IT. 3 years later and I have nothing to show for it but a disconnected heart and an over-analyzing mind. He gets rewarded for bad behaviour so in his mind there is no need for any change. For me there are no more tears so why bother giving ultimatums knowing I'm not going to get the answer I want anyway.
He is my bad habit. my drug. The more I know it will hurt the more I want because starting over is too scary... ESPECIALLY when I know his bulls**t already (haven't mastered it- but I know it). Why bother learning someone elses'? Why not just deal because at this point who is to say something better is going to come along. Maybe I deserve him.
He is NJ. He is my "drug of choice" that I am eagerly searching for a "Broken Hearts Anonymous" meeting to attend or better yet, where is the "Addicted to Loving the Wrong One" meeting being held? This habit has become me. He is my pleasure and my pain. My love and my hate. Most of all he is the anxiety and the comfort. ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
How? you ask. Easy, I say.
He is the one who wipes my tears even though he causes them. He is the one that cares for me when I am sick and yet it is him and his girl-drama that stressed me out enough to weaken my immune system in the first place. He is what my heart craves and what my mind rejects. My body celebrates him but my soul sends out the SOS signal. He is the left turn when the world points right; he is the very one I would forsake this world for and yet to him I'm just Michelle. Just another girl.
I'm stuck guys! I'm stuck because I don't know how not to be. Yes, I know it is a process to get out and over this but where do you start exactly. (I've Google'ed it- nothing worth reading came up).
I'm scared of the thought that I would be 30 and not be married. Not to have someone to call my own, to have someone to share all of this love with.
Why doesn't he want to get it right for me.... JUST ONCE!!!
When I get beyond the questions of why not me? and why does this happen to me? The grief and loss becomes anger that will motivate me to move on with a vengeance. I will delete him from Facebook, BBM and out of my contacts list. Then re-program his name in my blackberry as asshole; feeling as though I can take on the world and all the men in it.
Of course I will swear off love and say that this will never happen again..... then within 30 days he shall call and melt the ice around my heart with a Ruth's Chris steak and sweet-nothings about better times and I am right back where I started...
Wish me luck because something has to give and it CAN NOT be me...
Sometimes we put a band aid over a wound not realizing that bandage is not large enough to cover the cut, and not absorbent enough to stop the bleeding. Meaning....we all must know how severe the situation is before attempting to fix it. Seems like you know what the damage is, but don't have the equipment to heal the wound. You have to do want your mind knows is best for you because the heart is a bad judge of character. Love you to pieces. You're stronger than you sometimes give yourself credit for.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you do when your heart and mind are constantly at war because your mind knows that your heart is foolish? That a question we all come across at some time in our lives. Smh. Wish I knew the answer and solution to this age old question.
ReplyDeleteWell since I'm enjoying a nice glass of wine I won't be too harsh. Although you know my eyes rolling. Matters of the heart are complicated, if it was easy, everyone would be fat and happy. Never forget your worth and never settle for "it's ok" if it's that fairytale that your heart aches for then until you find it keep it moving! Bad habits will ruin you and drugs can kill you. Simple answer: it's not love
ReplyDeleteI struggle with wanting the fairytale love as well. The first thing I had to realize is that the fairytale love comes in different ways. It may be different than what I imagine but just as fulfilling. 2. I had to remember that I deserve the best and shouldnt settle for anyone less. I know better. I want better and refuse to be complacent and I know I can have more. Hope this helps. Its hard to get unstuck from something that feels "comfortable" for the moment.
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