So we’ve already established that dating in New York City can be hard, right? Despite the throngs of singles prowling the streets at any given moment, it’s the dance we do that makes it hard. Imagine a tango between a clumsy dancer and a smooth mover. Too many steps on your partner’s shoe, perhaps leading when you should follow, having no idea where the beat and timing are…was that quick/quick/slow? Slow/slow/quick? And before you know it, you’ve been thrust to the sidelines after too many errors, in favor of a more compatible dancer.Well, here are five ways men I’ve dated have thrust themselves onto the sidelines without even realizing they were ending the dance.
- He called me “honey/baby/sweetheart” too soon.
Guys, they’re called “terms of endearment” for a reason. The person using the word is endeared to the person they are referring to. It implies that you know me, how my nose wrinkles when I laugh, that my eyes crinkle when I smile…hell, can you just know how to spell my last name before we whip those out? Used too soon, those words are slimy and disingenuous. If you call me that, you call her that…and her…and her…and oh, okay, maybe another, but definitely her sister! Matter of fact, do you even remember my first name right now if you’re using those so soon?! ::SUSPECT!:: - He got too touchy/feely before we had the chemistry.
Ahhh, chemistry. That impossible to force/fake/bottle spark that makes or breaks an attraction. Sometimes it’s immediate – felt with even a simple sentence exchanged at ‘hello’ and eye contact…sometimes it takes the whole date…sometimes it takes a damn vacation. Grabbing my arm caveman style as we walk to the restaurant won’t make me want to play Jane to your Tarzan. It’s making me want to sneak-pic you and send it to my girls, along with your cell and any other identifying info I have…just in case I don’t make it out of this alive! On a less Cro Magnon level, brushing my bare leg “accidentally” or leaning in too close too soon is NOT sexy. It’s space invasion. Best example: at a dinner table once, my date kept trying to hold my hand across the table, very gallantly, straight from the movies. I pulled it away and out of his grasp just a little more each time he held it, trying not to embarrass either of us. It didn’t work. The final pull away was more of a “meat-from-the-dog’s-mouth” style SNATCH. Our waiter was amused. I was not. Guys, you’ll know when the moment’s right. She’ll give you a signal. You’ll BOTH feel it. What you feel right now, though? That’s gas, baby. Eat your first course and don’t effin touch me. - He lied within the first 5 minutes of conversation.
This one is SO basic I shouldn’t even have to tell you, but yes, please don’t tell me stupid, easy to figure out lies as soon as you open your mouth. Case in point: a girlfriend begged me to meet her boss, who had seen my photo with her on a social networking site and was eager to meet for a drink. In telling me about him, she mentioned his newly in-progress divorce. While I told her it was a no-go, I agreed to meet him to get him off her back. Why, when he sat down to chit-chat, did he say “I’m divorced.” I said, “oh, it’s final?”, knowing the answer already. He replied, “I got papers today, but I don’t know.” I almost laughed in his face. “Wait, you don’t know? Are the papers marked final?” His still-smiling answer: “I think so, I’m not sure.” Maaaaaan SHUT UP! You know that mess isn’t final. And you should also know the person who set us up gave me the basic rundown, which would logically include marital status. So why lie about the basics? SMH…Kids, don’t try that one at home. If you’re a UPS driver with a dog and 3 cats, please don’t introduce yourself as a man of leisure who loves the color brown and travels the world with a 4 person entourage. NEXT! - He started name-dropping to impress me.
Okay, so you heard I worked in the music industry. You randomly met MC Pops Bottles at a club and now think he’s your BFF. Honey, he’s everyone’s BFF. You ain’t heard? And the fact that you were impressed by him is NOT impressing me. Actually, you’re showing your lame card. As hard as you’re pretending that youhappened to see him again, and he happened to remember you and you weren’t phased…you know, just forget it. Check please! - He badmouthed his ex and every girl before her.
Listen carefully…because this goes for both sexes: if all your exes are crazy…MAYBE IT’S NOT THEM. ::side eye:: What’s the common denominator here? YOU. Beware anyone who thinks the problem is always the other team. If you lined up all those exes and talked to them, I’d be willing to bet there’s a common thread of crazy…and it’s not their thread. If a person is talking about their ex in a derogatory fashion, what makes you think that won’t be YOU at some point? Answer: it will. These folks are never to blame, love to play victim, and just “can’t seem to catch a break”. Actually, they can: break it off right there.
I know it’s not just me. And this is by no means a complete list. So comment and tell me what YOUR turn-offs are! Oh, and you there, look under your left foot. You’re on my shoe. ::smiles sweetly::heaves you to the sidelines::
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