Cliques...aren't just for high school...

When you’re in high school, you look forward to the day when you don’t have to deal with the cliques – the jocks, the Heathers (perfect blond long-haired bitches who date all the cool guys), the brains, the brew crew, the partyers, the potheads, the virgins-for-life, the slackers, the hackers, the power lifters, the Independents (that’s where I fit in – got along with everyone), the freaks…. You get the picture.  Why? Because it’s annoying – people try to fit into one mold because you’re adolescent and to have your own identity risks ostracism, the mortal enemy of the 17-year old teenager.  So you go to college, you earn your degree, you enter corporate America….

And you’re right back where you started! Think about it – think about where you work – can you identify the cliques? You don’t risk social ostracism now based on what “clique” you fit into, but you can definitely see the lines, right?  For instance – I work in “Corporate America” and in here are the cliques that comprise our non-profit campus:

The Brains – they know their stuff, they know the computer systems inside and out. And they have a very monotone manner of speaking, aren’t the most social bunch pretty much keep to themselves.

The Geeks – Aren’t necessarily the brightest bulbs in the bunch but they do their jobs – they try a little too hard to come off as “cool” or “normal” and end up just coming across as strange annoying creatures of habit.

The Jocks – compromised mostly of our Tax department, they are the runners/health food nuts.  Need a protein shake? Check their drawer.  Can’t find them? Perhaps they’re walking their two laps around the campus. They do have the best asses though.

The Partyers – generally either very young or the administrative assistants.  Identifiable by their bed-head pony tails, heavy make-up and clunky jewelry, their morning greeting generally starts off with “Oh My God, you won’t BELIEVE what happened last night!”  You wonder what that crusty stuff is in their hair, shudder and then walk away. At least one of them has had at least one DUI (we have one who has had so many he now has to blow to be able to start his truck).

The Hackers – also called IT department.  Computer geeks who hold the key to you having to reboot your computer three times a day or unlimited access to sites that are blocked for most people.  Same geeks who, if they like you, will not tell anyone that you have 100 unauthorized programs installed on your work laptop.

The Heathers – now called interns because they are 21 year old little girls, most likely the daughters or nieces of Executives, getting some experience that will look on their resumes but let’s be honest, barely know how to install a new ink cartridge in the department’s printer and are there only for eye-candy purposes.  They have nice asses too, those bitches.

The Freaks – typically are not the “grunge” freaks we went to highschool with but, rather, the adults that you really have to wonder if they live in a house with fifty cats, realize that some norms of society are totally justified or even own a mirror.  The woman who wears purple eye shadow; the fifty-year-old man with long hair half-way down his back.  The woman’s whose ass is so big you still can’t figure out how she fits into a non-handicap restroom stall.  The guy who looks and acts like the Unabomber.

The Slackers – the mindless idiots who you can tolerate for maybe five minutes a day. They are social butterflies, accomplish maybe 10 hours of work a week, make mistakes constantly and then when you finally fix their problem, think that they did it all themselves, interject random tidbits “oh my 12^th birthday party was going to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of  Doom” when you’re discussing Egypt, will drive 35 minutes one way to get a sandwich for lunch but can’t seem to make it to work on time and generally just drive you fucking insane.

The Independents – again, where I fit in.  We are generally intelligent, total smart-asses.  We’ll play the office politics to a point before we’ll just sit there and say “Fuck it!” and go out for a cigarette.  We get 80% of the work done for the office, get along with everyone but actually only like a few people.  We will sort of suck up to the Executives who sign the paychecks but then turn around and make fun of them as easily as we will the Heathers, Freaks or Slackers.  We have a very low tolerance for stupidity, feel that alcohol should always be in our Top Ten “Anything” List and realize that if we were to go to Las Vegas together, we’d probably never come back.